Day 90 - Unbelievable

90 Days - it feels momentous! I want to shout it from the roof-tops! 91 days ago, I didn't think I could string more than 2 days together. But here I am, 90+ days after my last sip of alcohol and I'm feeling grateful, excited, drained, liberated, scared, anxious, and fucking awesome! You see, once I got sober I got to experience ALL THE FEELS... the good, the bad and the ugly - and sometimes all at once. The FEELS are not muted with soft edges, they are neon with sharp corners and they can make me cry or laugh in a single moment. Life isn't easier, but damn its better.

What has happened in the last 90 days? Well, scientifically speaking a lot. My body has begun to self-regulate in the hormone and cortisol department. We aren't all the way there - I still have night sweats fairly regularly and I'm regularly taking my antidepressants - but I don't have to hide my shaky hands anymore and my heart isn't racing around 5:00 when "the wine time" typically started after my highly functioning day. Also, my face isn't red and flush ALL the time anymore - I still have pretty thin skin (literally, not figuratively) so I am easily flushed but now its just that after workout glow - not that ruddy blotchy face caused by broken blood vessels after my nightly ritual.

I'm a more present mother - I am able to read to my kids and its not a struggle to keep the words straight. I am coaching my daughters kindergarten soccer team without a hangover (highly recommended). Saturday mornings were always about the kids, and making pancakes and having a fun time - but now I do so without any same or regret from my actions of the night before. I'm making snowmen with my girls because I want to make snowmen, not because I'm atoning. I have talked to my kids about my decision - I really didn't have a choice because they kept making comments about Mommy's wine and I just couldn't take it. When the girls were playing "family" and had wine with dinner, or playing restaurant and asked what I'd like to drink, "soda or wine," it really hit me. These girls look up to me with every fiber of their being - they want to be like mommy in all ways - and I've always strongly been of the opinion that "modeling over martyrdom" is the way to go in motherhood. They want to work, they know they can be anything they want in life... they also unfortunately thought wine was part of being me... so I am correcting that. This work is far from over - but I'm committed to it - modeling over martyrdom is still my go to.

I'm a more present lover and wife to my partner. He knew about my drinking, but I don't think he KNEW about the drinking. Over the last 90 days I have been letting him in on some of my secrets. For example, when I used to "run back into the house to use the bathroom" before we'd leave for an outing, when in actuality I was running back in to take a big swig (probably the equivalent of a glass) of wine, or a quick shot... you know, just on weekends. When you're not honest with yourself about your issue, and you're constantly trying to hide from the person you'd become... when you're ashamed ever minute of every day because you're either worried about what you'll drink, what you did, or what you might do, it tends to get in the way of intimacy. Don't get me wrong, being sober doesn't somehow solve all problems and it certainly doesn't make marriage "work free" but you know what it doesn't do - sabotage it from the get go. There was always an asterisk* when we had one of those "this is what I'm going through" or "lets commit to being honest and truthful with each other" heart to heart conversations - because I was never being completely honest about the one demon that I chose time and time again over him and myself. And sober sex - YES, just all the yes.

So much has been great about the first 90 days, but so much has been hard. I still regret so much, and haven't stopped feeling shame. I still live this sober life in secret most of the time, because society tells us that making a healthy decision to abstain from alcohol means we must be flawed. But as I become more confident in my ability to navigate social situations without my crutch, and feel ALL THE FEELS without blunting the edges, I begin to step into my comfort zone more and more every day. I am growing more confident in setting boundaries with those that love me but continue to hurt me - they used to get a free pass bc my shamed self would accept at least part of the blame, always thinking it was my intoxicated self that had somehow led to the harmful act. Now I can see situations in the beautiful sunshine of sobriety - its not always pretty - but I know its honest. The

There have been lots of ups and downs (more ups than downs) over these last 90 days, but one that I want to highlight is this - I get to wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY knowing that I have made a fucking amazing and hard choice to live a better life for myself and my family - one without alcohol. You see, for me, it didn't make me more fun, more easy going, a better mom, a better wife, or better professional. It made me worse at all of those things and led to decades of shame, guilt, reduced grey matter and worse health. So every day I wake up - I have already achieved a major goal and it sets me up to take on anything. I'm ready for the setbacks in my professional career, for failures in entrepreneurship, lessons in life and parenthood... they will have sharp edges, vibrant colors, and will be uncomfortable - and I cannot wait.

Love,

C